There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home.

Words cannot possibly begin to express how good it is to be home. When we landed in San Francisco on the way home, I practically started to cry tears of joy. And San Francisco isn't even my home, but it was close enough. We walked through the airport, thoroughly impressed with the universal politeness: Please, Thank you, Go ahead... And we ate the most amazing deli sandwich, stacked high with smoked turkey. Delicious!

When we finally arrived in Calgary (after exactly 24 hours of travelling), I wanted to kiss the ground and hug the first pickup truck I saw. We flew right over the Rockies (which I like to refer to as "my" mountains) and into the city. The sky here is so big, and so blue. The sunrises and sunsets are stunning, like a pink and orange watercolor. My first two meals were Alberta beef. Yesterday I slept in a soft bed, AND had a hot shower. There truly is no place like home.

Good bye, Thailand.

It's a little after 11:00 on Wednesday night and we leave for Calgary in less than 7 hours. I've been so anxious to go home for so long, and now that the day has finally arrived, I find myself resisting it. I just wish I could stay for a few more days. To do what? I have no idea. It just feels weird to know that this phase of life is over, and that I have to go back to Canada, be responsible, and actually interact with friends and family in person. It's going to be so strange.

I've especially enjoyed the time with Caroline, and we know it won't be like this again for a long, long time. It's so great to wake up in the morning and talk until noon. It's been awesome building so many great memories together. And although I'm looking forward to cleaner places, less people, and some home cooking, I'm really sad to be turning the last page of this chapter of my life.

Not a backpacker

I've learned a lot about myself while travelling over the past several weeks (that's the great thing about travelling, isn't it?), and the one thing that really stands out to me is that I'm not a backpacker. This has been a bit hard for me to admit, since I fancied myself as slightly adventurous, and really thought I fit in to the backpacker.

Now I realize that I am a traveller, but I don't get off on drinking my face off all night, then slumming it in some dirty flophouse until the next afternoon. I don't have dreadlocks, and I don't sit around with other travellers pontificating on why America sucks. And I really don't find any glory in sleeping in places that cost the same as a Big Mac meal back home. I like clean sheets, proper beds, and good food. Horror of horrors, I think I'm getting older.

Koh Phangan Sucks

Yes, I realize that this is a very strongly worded title, and there will probably be some form of backlash (if anyone who reads this blog has been to Koh Phangan). But after several days of trying to like it, Caroline and I gave up and realized that maybe it just wasn't going to happen. Everything was geared around the Full Moon Party, which we didn't care about, the roads were steep and dangerous, and the most accessible beaches (the entire western side) are crap for swimming this time of year. Spontaneously we decided to get out of Dodge and head to Samui, which the "Bible" (L.P.) described as "like a pretty woman who wears too much make-up".

Turns out there's a lot worse things in life than pretty women who wear too much make-up, cause I absolutely love Samui! It doesn't hurt, of course, that we ditched the low budget bungalows and are staying in a nice resort (Peace Resort on Bophut Beach). Comfortable beds, a nice beach, and the BBC. What more could you ask for? I've been kissed by pretty woman with too much make-up, and I loved every minute of it!

Monkeying around

I woke up this morning to the strangest sight. I heard a noise from the back yard of the hotel, so I looked out the window to see what was going on. There were coconuts shooting out of the palm trees and onto the ground. I watched for a minute to see if my eyes were deceiving me (they weren't), then I looked for the man who was hucking these things. I figured it must be the grounds crew making the place safer for tourists. Then, to my great surprise, a monkey scooted out of the upper branches and straight down the tree. He was wearing a collar attached to a 30-foot leash. There were two monkeys taking turns throwing coconuts, and I realized that the monkeys were actually trained to do this! When they finished, two men gathered up all the coconuts, piled them behind the back fence, hopped on their motorbikes, and rode away. The monkeys, of course, were riding on the motorbikes, on the seat right in front of the people.

Two hotel rooms = a good night's sleep

We haven't been sleeping well the past few nights. Our bungalow at Cookie's is fairly cute in the daytime with its little private beach and overly friendly staff, but at night the closed-in mosquito netting, lumpy pillows, and paper-thin thatched walls just don't do the trick. Today after exploring the island in our jeep, we stopped in town to plan the rest of the night. We were right in front of a hotel, so on a whim I ran in and checked if they had any more rooms. We were lucky, and got the last one. So tonight, for one night, we were the proud owners of a jeep, and not one, but two, yes two rooms. Air con, a real bed with a top and bottom sheet was almost more than I could handle, and I've never slept better.

All I want is a cheeseburger!!!

All I want is a cheeseburger! I am now 0 for 3 when it comes to successfully ordering a cheeseburger. How hard could it be, you might ask. The first time I ordered it, I got small pieces of boiled chicken covered by a square of processed cheese inside a hamburger bun. I sent it back, explaining that a cheeseburger was beef, and they apologized and hurried to remedy the problem. The second time it came out, it was a breaded chicken patty with cheese on it. Seeing that I was fighting a losing battle, I smiled, said 'thank you', and ate it. The next night, still jonesing for a cheeseburger, I tried my luck again (different restaurant). Once again, chicken with cheese on top. What is the deal?!

In a related incident, Caroline ordered an Irish coffee and got some kind of iced coffee with whipped cream on top. When the Lonely Planet said the food on Koh Phangan was bad, I had no idea.

Koh Phangan Tattoo

This week I discovered something called the "Koh Phangan Tattoo". It's road rash from crashing one's motorcycle on the island. The steep hills, inexperienced drivers, and drunk driving are a deadly combination here, and we've seen the "tattoo" a hundred times. Because we didn't want to be tattooed, we rented a jeep to explore the island.

While driving around the island, we met a nice Dutch couple who hitched a ride from us. We saw them the next day, and the girl was sporting her own tattoo, which was strange since they had avoided renting motorbikes so they could stay safe. Turns out she was walking along the road and a 10 year-old boy ran into her on his motorbike. Oh, the irony.

Making memories... and movies??

Today I signed up to be a movie extra in some kind of military action flick. The film is tentatively called Rescue Dawn, directed by Werner Herzog and starring Christian Bale. Apparently, if accepted, I will be a navy officer, pilot, or member of the deck crew on an aircraft carrier. I've never done anything like this, and don't know what to expect. I think it will be fun, though. Who knows, maybe I'll have to put law school on hold while I pursue my movie career. ;-)

Watch out, Hollywood, here I come!

Faster isn't always better

After a particularly hair-raising ride across Bangkok the other night in a tuk-tuk (the young driver was popping wheelies off the line and weaving in and out of traffic at speeds that would make Michael Schumacher envious), we've settled on a new approach. We shun the young guys aggressively selling their services ("Hey mister, where you go?!") in favor of the older (read: slower) tuk-tuk drivers.

The approach seems to be working. Last night, on the way home from the weekend market, we chose an older gentleman who gave us an efficient but leisurely ride across town. It was great- Caroline and I actually had a conversation, I didn't fear for my life, and today, to my great relief, I don't have any of Caroline's fingernail marks in my forearm!

Just another wallet in the crowd

Hello! I'm tourist number 4,483, 795 in Thailand. And that's just for 2005! The Thailand tourist machine is a well-oiled mechanism, providing little pleasures from home (like bacon-and-eggs breakfast or the latest pirated music CDs) for us farang who have chosen to spend our summer vacation here. At the same time, you often get the sense that the service industry would prefer if they didn't have to interact with you at all. Their motto could be "just hand over your cash and move on". Admittedly, we've been to a lot of places that tourists frequent the most, and I'm writing this from Khao San Road in Bangkok, which is the mecca for foreign travellers to the capital. I wish that just once someone would actually care about the answer to the tired questions they ask me. Or at least pretend to.

Getting what you pay for

Service with a scowl, undercooked breakfast, hard beds, paper-thin dividing walls between guesthouse rooms, sucking in bus fumes from the passenger seat of a tuk-tuk. The upside of Thailand? It's incredibly cheap. The downside? You get what you pay for.

Two Kings

There's a picture that I've seen three times, in three different restaurants, here in Chiang Mai. After seeing it for the third time, I decided to look into it and find out what the deal is. The picture features a young, good-looking Elvis dressed in an army uniform, entertaining the King and Queen of Thailand. I wondered whether Elvis had somehow been stationed in this part of the world and was perhaps the invited guest of the King of Thailand.

Here's the deal. The picture was actually taken in Hollywood in 1960 on the set of Elvis' movie, G.I. Blues. Unfortunately, I can't find a picture of it online that I can link to, but it's kind of cool seeing them together- The King and The King.

The King of Siam

Thailand is a democratic country, but also a kingdom. Unlike Britain, where the royal family serves as a source of gossip for the rest of the country, the Thai royal family are highly regarded in their country. Thais love their king and queen, and there are pictures of them in homes, shops, and restaurants all over the country. Billboards featuring the king and queen in various noble poses dot the land, appearing in city and countryside alike. Wherever you go, the king is there, watching over you.

This week Caroline and I decided to go to the local mall and catch a movie, which turned out to be more of a cultural experience than we had bargained for. After showing all the previews for the other movies, a message came on screen that said something to the effect of, "Please pay your respects to His Majesty, the King", at which point the national anthem came on and everyone practically leapt out of their chairs and stood at attention. While the music played, a corresponding movie showed, featuring the king administering justly to his people. There were scenes of him surrounded by children, old women bowing respectfully to him, the king shaking hands with hill tribe people, and happy Thais smiling together under blue skies. When the music ended, everyone took their seats, and the movie started.

That experience alone was worth the price of the movie ticket.

When the sun goes down...

In some ways, Chiang Mai appears to be the San Francisco of Thailand (and I ain't talkin' about the Golden Gate Bridge). I've caught one of Caroline's sharp elbows more than once because I always do a double-take when I see a she-male. It's not because I'm trying to be rude, it's just that it's not really what I'm expecting, so I look again to see if my eyes are deceiving me. Turns out the surgery to make the gender switch permanent is performed routinely in Bangkok for very low prices.

Before coming to Thailand I'd heard that the country is sexually "liberated", and I wondered what exactly that would mean. Now I know. (Don't worry, Mom, I don't know, I just mean I've seen who comes out when the sun goes down). Our guesthouse is close to the main drag where a lot of restaurants and bars are located. Every night rows of pretty young Thai girls line up at the front of the bars like blackbirds on a barbed wire fence. To each passing foreigner they throw out invitations. "Hey, Mister, welcome!" "Come have a drink!" "Want to party?"

Fortunately, having Caroline by my side has basically been the equivalent of a full suit of armor against the barrage of invitations, but I've seen many a lonely traveller whispering sweet nothings to a pretty girl in a dark corner of the bar. Strangely, it seems to happen a little more often among the men in the 50-70 age bracket, but hey, who's counting, right?

Geckos vs. Cockroaches

As I sit here writing, there's a small gecko climbing up the computer next to me, which is making me wonder: why are geckos "cute" and cockroaches "ugly"? Not that this is one of the great questions of the universe or anything, but we've encountered plenty of both species here (OK, the truth is that we've each stepped on one- don't tell PETA), and the geckos always seem so much nicer and friendlier. Can geckos even be friendly? Anyway, I've given this subject the five minutes it deserves, and now I'm going to go write about something else, like Thai hookers.

Fit to be Thai'd

With everything being extremely cheap here, we thought the postal system would be cheap too. That turned out to be a mistake. We had bought a bunch of stuff at the night market, and thought we could save space and just send it home. After all, how much could it really cost? Thousands of baht, it turns out.

After we loaded our big box and heaved it onto the scale, we sat back with a smile, confident that the airmail price couldn't be much more than the cost of the tuk-tuk ride to the post office. And then the postmaster, who, by the way, was a very stern individual who took his job extremely seriously, delivered his decree from on high (or from the post office counter, as it was). "Thou shalt pay a price equivalent to the cost of two months worth of meals." And that was for "economy", which will get it there in a month. A month! At this point I began to suspect that Mr. Postmaster was taking a cut off the top. Paying 40 baht for a 20 baht tuk-tuk ride is annoying, but when prices in the thousands get inflated, well that just pisses you off.

As a post-script to this little adventure, once our money was safely esconced in Mr. Postmaster's drawer/pocket, he handed us a sign in English informing us that he collected stamps and asking us if we'd be willing to send the stamps back to him. When we agreed, he lost the tough-guy act, became all smiles, and handed us a self-addressed envelope and shook our hands. First he took our money, then he talked us into doing him a favor, too. I hope you and your family eat well tonight, Mr. Postmaster. This one's on us.

An eating vacation

It turns out I'm on an eating vacation. I had been feeling more than a little deprived after living in Korea for the past year, but I'm quickly making up for lost time. Chiang Mai (pronounced "chang my") is the cultural center of Thailand, so it boasts an abundance of ethnic restaurants, many of which are surprisingly authentic. So seeing that I like food, and seeing that you can get a great meal here for under 5 bucks, we set out to eat our way around Chiang Mai. So far, we've been doing a pretty good job of it.

In the week and a half we've been here we've been for Thai, Mexican, Italian, Israeli, Chinese, Japanese, Indian, Australian, and American. Not bad for ten days! I came here with the idea of seeing the world, and I guess in a way I am. I'm seeing a different country every day on the plate in front of me, and that's just the way I like it.

Brand new smile

Welcome to Thailand where you can swim in crystal blue waters, ride elephants, and... go to the dentist? Yes, I realize that going to the dentist is probably at the bottom of the list for most people when they go to Thailand on vacation, but that's exactly what I did this week. The whole idea seems a bit sketchy, so I gladly accepted when Caroline volunteered to go first, then I followed a couple of days later.

My teeth had been feeling disgusting for the past year (I blame the red pepper paste in Korea), so I was overdue for a visit. The sign outside advertised 300 baht ($7.50 U.S.), so I couldn't really resist.

I walked into the spotless reception area, and was greeted by the dentist himself. Poor guy, he had no patients (I have no patience either, but that's another story...), so I walked right in and got into a chair immediately. The dentist also did the cleaning himself, which was a bit unusual since at home that's usually relegated to the assistants. He did a very thorough job, and 15 minutes later, voila!

Now I'm not only walking around with a slight tan, but I'm also sporting a brand new smile. :-)